Jeri......
At some point in in life, we have all decided to settle. It could have been in our career when we took a lower paying position for the comfort of familiarity. It may have been with a new car, when we wanted a Mercedes but settled for an Infiniti. It’s not that the Infiniti isn’t a nice car or can’t get the job done. It’s adequate but you had a certain vision of what you wanted and believed to be ideal. Instead you settled . .. The sad this is that it happens in relationships too.
Maybe he’s good looking but very depressed. Maybe she owns her own business but isn’t faithful in relationships. Maybe he’s got 8 out of 10 on you list but you figure it’s better than 5 out of 10 or the worst, being ALONE.
Why do we do this? Just pass time with the wrong one when we instinctively know that prevents time for the right one. We don’t even speak with the same enthusiasm or passion about the relationship when we’ve settled. Your friends can tell that there’s no spark and don’t hesitate to let you know 'he’s not for you'. Unfortunately, you already know this and are actually annoyed that your friends noticed too.
What’s the harm though? Do you need to marry every person that you date? Should marriage be the goal? Or at some point do you just decide to have a good time (aka settle) until Mr/Ms right comes along?
Settling has it’s benefits. It’s company, fun times, dinner, dancing, movies and even intimacy. It can even bring the fleeting spark that makes you question your first premise of settling and graduate to 'maybe this IS a viable option'? Maybe it’s not ‘graduating' but digressing from the vision. As long as you’re loving the least, there’s no chance that you’ll be hurt. No one wants to be in that position and keeping the power by settling severely reduces the probability that you’ll be hurt. But I digress . . .
Is the fear of being alone enough to make one settle? It seems to happen pretty often. People have even married someone where they settled. The fruit of that tree is that the ’settler' continues to go after the elusive vision that originally had their attention and heart. The Infiniti is cool, but you always wanted the Mercedes and there are lots of Mercedes out there. You should have one because it’s what you’ve always wanted.
A different option might be to ‘court’ which is to enter into a relationship with one person with the intention to marry. This old concept recently got new life due to a reality TV show. These courting couples never seem to emit the ‘settling’ air. The seem genuinely happy in their relationship as if they’ve found true love. It seems to be based on the transparency of understanding why each party is there. There’s purpose and intention in the relationship. It’s not a Friday night look through a little black book of multiple options or an online app with intentions only to be
satisfied for the moment. It’s not even the long term settling relationship that survives because it’s comfortable and part of the routine. You’ve got nothing to better to do at the moment.
I’ve settled. I can’t say that the ending has ever brought me satisfaction. It’s always been me clarifying to others what “he isn’t” to me, which inevitably led to them asking “What are you doing with him, then?”
Just settling until Mr right comes along.
David....
Jeri, you have hit the nail on the head. Not much I can add to your response. I see it like this, you can wait for the perfect Mr. or Ms. Right to come along or you can go on with your life and enjoy other people. Then, you hear the reasoning that you are using up a spot for someone good to come along. I say..... nothing is guaranteed and you are not assured for that person to come along. Watch out for the 'crabs in a barrel. You have a sliver of happiness and they are, deep inside, not that happy for you. Settler beware....
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